Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
