her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
