i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
