I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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