did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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