I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
