Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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