You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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