He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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