i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
