I cannot find my penis.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
