a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
it's great music for shaving your balls
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
