I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
