you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
