I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
