i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
