i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
