So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
