Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My cat gives me a boner
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
