dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
