Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
