He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
