Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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