Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
