I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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