Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
