Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
