i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i think i have two assholes
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
