i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
