Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
