I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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