there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
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