I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
