i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
