Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
