Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
