every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
