i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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