i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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