i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
