Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
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