just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
