I can tuck mytits in my pants
I cockslap morals
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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