i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
