you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
