i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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