i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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