btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
