I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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