There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I don't deserve a penis
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
