I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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