roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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