Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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