how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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