My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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